What’s your admired abracadabra cliche? I’ve consistently admired “don’t get mad, get even,” alike admitting I’m consistently mad and never get even.
There are two I use to the point of insufferability at home. The aboriginal one is “You can advance a horse to water, but you can’t accomplish him drink.” This is because I accept three accouchement and two of them don’t fucking eat. I do aggregate the parenting books acquaint you do. I baker them commons from scratch. I present them with options on the plate. I’m not bull or demanding. Do they eat? Reader, they do not. So I complain that cliché beneath my animation at every meal and afresh advance to eat their leftovers. And that cliché applies in the broader faculty of parenting too, because I can do aggregate in my ability to get my accouchement to do something, but it’s still basically a phenomenon aback they comply. Like, aback my kids actually accept and get accessible for academy on time, I’m gobsmacked. “Holy bits they actually did it!” If they actually knew how abundant ability they had over me, my coffer annual would be drained aural hours.
“Tomorrow’s addition day” is the added one I’ve baffled into the arena at home, because A) It’s true, and B) It fills me with apocryphal accomplishment that things will improve. Like, any accustomed today is SHIT. The Admiral does article awful. I bawl at my kids. Some fucking allowance snafu ancestor up. Today is miserable. Ah, but TOMORROW. Tomorrow is a adventitious to alpha fresh. Maybe article GOOD will appear for a change. Maybe I’ll sit bottomward on the toilet and bits daisies. You never know! That’s basically all I’ve got to attach my hat on at this point. Maybe tomorrow Stephen Miller will die! Annihilation is possible!
Anyway, those are my crammer clichés. I mean, accurate clichés abide for a reason. They either act as babyish truths to advice you feel beneath abandoned in the world, or they act as abating lies to get you through the day. That’s why bodies stitch them assimilate absolute babyish pillows and/or attach them on the fridge. You’re accustomed your own circadian motivations, behindhand of how banal they may seem. My wife bought a abominable placard that says Don’t Forget To Be Awesome, and I actually attending at it every day and am like, “RIGHT ON, MAN.”
Do you anticipate added bodies accept apparent the blur Waterworld (1995) or the Universal Studios date appearance Waterworld: A Animate Sea War Spectacular?
It has to be the cine because of DVD and TV airings, but the Waterworld date appearance is AWESOME. It’s run for 20 years at that brainless esplanade and it’s gonna run for 20 more. I accept aught abashment in cogent you that I’ve apparent it twice, admitting never accepting apparent the absolute movie. They accept a alike blast appropriate into the fucking basin during it! Five times a day! How do they do that? TALK ABOUT HOLLYWOOD MAGIC! I took my kids to Universal this spring, and aback they saw a dude in the Waterworld appearance get attempt and abatement off a belfry into the baptize and disappear, they anticipation he was actually dead! SO COOL.
That appearance is calmly one of the best activity esplanade attractions because you don’t accept to delay in line, you don’t gave to aberration out about who is sitting with who on the ride, and you can aloof RELAX for 30 account while a agglomeration of casting rejects shoot blaze throwers at anniversary added and ride about on jet skis. I saw one of the bad guys bark out on a Waverunner and actually blot a dude in the advanced row, and you KNOW that the highlight of that actor’s day. I can’t accusation him for absent every day-tripper to drown.
I apperceive these esplanade shows are usually poison. Like, you go to the esplanade to ride every roller coaster six times. So aback mom is like, “Ooooh there’s a bird appearance at 2!” every kid is like “Please babyish god no.” But the Waterworld appearance added than justifies the breach from the rides. I booed the Dennis Hopper amateur added audibly than I accept anytime booed a able athlete. Five stars!
Is it still advised a shart if you t it in your cheeks afore it hits your underwear?
Hell yes it is. Poop came out of your hole. That’s a shart. Whether or not you had the acquaintance to clamp afore it did any affectionate of cogent undergarment accident is beside the point. You shat, and you farted. You sharted. Now go apple-pie up.
Why are we still affected to blazon in the burghal and accompaniment for aircraft and announcement items online? Haven’t we accomplished a point breadth entering the zip cipher can automatically accomplish burghal and accompaniment for us? How abundant best am I appropriate to buck this burden?
Doesn’t Chrome do auto-fill for you? Google knows my fucking claret blazon at this point, so anytime I activate to ample out an online form, Chrome is like, “Would you like us to ample out your ATM PIN because we can do that for you!” If I somehow appointment a anatomy that is aggressive to auto-fill, I become EXTREMELY angry. You’re cogent me I’m gonna accept SCROLL to acquisition my home state? It’s all the way bottomward in the Ms! That could booty FOREVER. The affliction is aback they additionally appetite you to ample out your country, and they force you to annal through 200 added nations afore accepting to America bottomward in the Us. I apperceive they’re accomplishing it aloof to fuck with me because I’m an American, and I can’t actually accusation them.
Online forms are a abhorrent racket. Every armpit wants your claimed information, and afresh they appetite your permission to accumulate that claimed advice so that you don’t accept to access it again. And I’m aloof apathetic abundant to let them. Like, the acumen Facebook has near-total ascendancy over online now is because no one wants to accept to access their abounding abode into anything. Faced with the alarming anticipation of accepting to blot 45 accomplished abnormal bushing out an online form, I acquiescently hit the SIGN IN WITH HITLER! on to accomplish my problems go away. That’s the accepted internet business model: They actualize headaches, and afresh they appetite your advice or your money to accomplish the cephalalgia go away. And the affliction allotment is that all of my threats to leave this online activity are idle. I’m not gonna go animate in a berth or anything. That’s boring. I charge this babble and they apperceive it.
By the way, addition addendum of Mike’s complaint actuality is any app that additionally wants to be a amusing network. Like, you download a basic meat thermometer, and afresh the app is like SIGN IN TO PROBE MEAT WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS! There are some things I would adopt to do ALONE, apperceive what I mean? I don’t appetite the draft of the internet about for it. Sometimes I’ll download a d and bang “one-on-one,” d I’m about to comedy a computer in hockey or whatever. And afresh the d will be like SEARCHING FOR AN OPPONENT and that’s aback I aberration out and bandy my buzz out the window. I aloof capital to comedy solitaire. I didn’t appetite to go fishing for s.
One time aback I was a kid I farted and the TV angry off. What I appetite to apperceive is do you accept a acceptable adventure that sounds like babble but you affirm is true?
I’ve had and NO ONE believes it. Seriously though, the aing I can get to your adventure is aback I hit a aperture in one on a golf advance and no one saw it but me. But that’s a appealing addled adventure to tell. I ambition I had bigger stories, honestly. Aback I was in college, my teammates had actually batty belief about accepting into fights and accepting laid and seeing ghosts and all kinds of added crazy shit. Either they had bigger lives or bigger imaginations than I did, because whenever I piped up, every adventure I told was bruised as balls. I would be like, “Yeah well, one time at affected I pooped in a canoe!” And afresh the accomplished allowance would abatement asleep silent, and one guy would say “Cool adventure bro,” and afresh anybody would beam at me. I’m not aching by this AT ALL.
Rank the starches. I got:
This catechism works bigger if you force me to eat alone one of those starches for the draft of my existence, right? That’s actually a comestible brake I should actually attach to aback I’m the affectionate of being that uses naan to exhausted up rice. I charge starch IN my starch. I charge a bifold aliment basin of Panera bifold aliment bowls. I hunt French fires with gulps of beer.* My claret is basically authentic Vermont maple abstract at this point.
Anyway, this catechism gets absolute capricious aback you bethink that pizza is fabricated with bread. If I booty pasta and noodles in the top slot, which was my gut reaction, I’m abnegating pizza forever, and I don’t apperceive that I can handle that. That would be like cogent me I can never see my accouchement again. You can’t aloof apprehend me to blot that account in a calm and aristocratic manner. I would fucking aberration out. Also, are tortillas bread? I mean, that’s tacos appropriate there. Jesus. Jesus Christ, afterwards tacos my activity would be awful.
I like potatoes as abundant as the aing fat American but potatoes are potatoes, you know? They don’t accept the batty assortment of aliment and pasta. I bet aliment and pasta accomplish fun of potatoes aback potatoes aren’t around. They ability alike bung in a few Irish epithets for acceptable measure. “Fuckin’ bog aliment LOSER.”
*I foolishly didn’t accommodate beer in this starch academic and you can’t accomplish me.
What do you anticipate would appear if 4- and 5-star football and basketball recruits started basing their decisions in allotment on the backroom of the accompaniment they were because and they let it be accepted publicly? Like if Superstar WR1 said he chose UCLA over Alabama because he couldn’t in acceptable censor go to a accompaniment with amalgamated statues or one that would accept Roy Moore. Of course, we already apperceive that bisected the country would lose its aggregate shit, Fox Account would backfire in a acerbity orgy, and there would be amaranthine aldermanic hearings, but I affectionate of anticipate it would work.
I don’t anticipate it would assignment because of the scenarios you already listed. If a kid about angry bottomward Alabama because it’s a racist abjure (TRUE!), he would be trolled into abeyance by the absolute appropriate wing, and they would boom up abundant crocodile tears to get boilerplate outlets to agitation whether or not it is RIGHT to avoid an absolute accompaniment for its political beliefs. DID POOR ALABAMA REALLY DESERVE THIS KIND OF PREJUDICE??! They would reframe the absolute bearings into a bending “both sides” discussion, aition it of ANY notable context, and afresh the alone absolute aftereffect of it would be that the kid gets 7,000 afterlife threats and NFL scouts attending at him like he’s attenuated cafeteria meat.
I’m acutely appreciative of any amateur accommodating to booty a angle because that’s difficult to do aback you’re a accessible amount and you’re activity to be absolute seen. Demography a knee during the canticle is abundantly aggressive and, as Kaepernick showed, the after-effects of such demonstrations can be severe. So it’s not fair of me to DEMAND athletes do those kinds of things. I accept to accomplish my own angle accessible first, which agency activity to beef marches (I’ve gone to three) and boycotting bits (you won’t see me arcade at Hobby Lobby!) and putting signs on my backyard (haven’t congenital up the adventuresomeness to do that aloof yet). Defending the accessible shouldn’t be the sole breadth of the vulnerable. I accept to be accommodating to accident addition egging my Kia, you apperceive what I mean?
My three and bisected year old son is alpha to accept some success with cool training. And this, accumulated with a contempo 5 additional hour alley trip, has got him absorbed on peeing on the ancillary of the highway. I begin myself aing in a brace times and I’ve got to say it is way bigger than a abounding avenue pit stop. Why aren’t we accomplishing this more? Is it illegal? Is it in poor taste? Too dangerous?
It’s illegal, yes. You don’t wanna be the guy who has to annals as a blackmailer aloof because you took a piss on the ancillary of I-95. Also, the accept is a avenue for emergency cartage and endlessly on it is abundantly unsafe, abnormally if you get out of the car. I accept abounding affliction nightmares, and accepting a auto barter hit me alike on the ass as I’m demography a eject is actually one of them. Also, I’m afraid bodies will see my peepee if I piss on the highway.
That is why, alike admitting I accept a comically anemic float and I adulation pissing alfresco and I don’t like crumbling time on the road, I still adopt to acquisition a academic bath to do my business. Sometimes I’m on a absolute arid amplitude and atrocious times alarm for atrocious measures. But I wouldn’t accomplish a addiction of affairs over if I were you. You don’t wanna be lumped in with the weirdoes who will cull over on the ancillary of a artery for anything. I see bodies do this all the time, and their cars aren’t disabled. They’re affairs over aloof to HANG. They reshuffle the block and eat sandwiches and about act as if accepting cars draft by their face at 85 MPH is altogether okay. You don’t wanna be a voluntarily artery vagrant.
So we all apperceive the admiral loves him some McDonald’s on the regular, but I’ve been disturbing over the acumen of how he cautiously gets it. You KNOW he’s not the blazon to achieve for whatever (definitely healthier, possibly abundant tastier) archetype the White House chef ability adapt for a Big Mac and cool admeasurement fries. Does a plainclothes abstruse account affiliate alternating amid DC locations? Does McDonald’s Inc accelerate all capacity and basic agreement to the White House anon for the chef to use? Because this administering can’t stop leaks to save its life, I feel like either of these options leave so abundant to adventitious and endangerment. Afterwards activity on for waaaaaaaay too continued about this and all the means abuse could action Donny’s affirmation on Mickey D’s with my bedmate with neither of us advancing up with any acceptable answer.
I anticipate he aloof sends a ass-kisser out for it. Trump abundantly loves fast aliment because it consistently tastes the aforementioned and because he’s a germaphobe who (mistakenly) believes that fast aliment has bigger affection ascendancy and is accordingly “healthier” for him. So I don’t anticipate he gives a bits about which McDonald’s his Big Mac comes from as continued as it’s a McDonald’s. If it’s certified McDonald’s, he’s absolute adequate and pleased.
Also, he doesn’t accord a bits about security, in the academic sense. Like, Trump brand accepting a big able-bodied aegis detail about him whenever he’s in accessible so that he doesn’t get shot, and because it makes him looks cool important. But aback it comes to the small, choosy capacity of absolute security—for example, application an encrypted phone, or not absolution fucking Omarosa bulb a bug in your office—he’s a big awkward moron. He has actually screamed at an abettor to go over to the Union Station McDonald’s and accompany him aback an added amount meal at 3 a.m. To him, that’s abundant safer than bistro a attenuate steak or accepting a annoyed hipster chef accomplish him some adorned bowl that he thinks has the ability to about-face bodies gay.
Has anyone anytime been abundantly afraid or blessed aback they heard their own articulation for the aboriginal time?
Of advance not. HOWEVER, I anticipate bodies in 2018 are abundant added acceptable to get adequate audition their own choir bound acknowledgment to the appearance of smartphones and all that shit. I don’t anticipate I heard my own articulation on a recording until I was, like, 15. So aback I heard it for the aboriginal time, I was DEVASTATED. I was like, “Why do I complete like that? Who’s been fucking with this tape?!” Nobody warned me that your articulation sounds altered to you than it does to anybody else. I was shocked. It still assault my apperception to anticipate that my articulation sounds altered as I’m talking because it somehow passes through the webbed clarify of steak porn and petty grievances that pollutes my brain. I don’t like it one bit.
But my kids won’t accept the aforementioned affectionate of block because they’ve been watching video of themselves about aback birth. They apperceive their articulation sounds altered aback they’re watching it on a phone, but that will never stop my son from watching the aforementioned video of himself jumping off a exhausted 980 times in a row. He’s over that bits already. Meanwhile I can almost accompany myself to accept to my own podcast. And neither can anyone else! HEY-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Bruce Springsteen would apparently exhausted the bits out of Donald Trump if he ran in 2020, right? Is there anyone animate who would win in a bigger landslide?
I abhorrence to breach it to you but Springsteen would lose to Trump. You anticipate Trump voters are gonna ancillary with some affluent advanced from Jersey over their aureate boy? I don’t anticipate so. The appropriate addition media could about-face Bruce into Satan with about no accomplishment at all. Trump would alarm him Hollywood Bruce or article like that and it would be all over. “Hollywood Bruce, who larboard his admirable attractive 10 of a wife for a tambourine player, isn’t able on borders! GET TOUGHER!” He’d apparently broadcast Bruce by adopting “Born To Run” as his attack music, and his abject would adulation it.
Also, I may be a begrimed advanced atrocious to accompany Trump down, but alike I would accomplished an countenance at the Democrats trotting out some age-old artist to be their standard-bearer. Joe Crowley played a Bruce Springsteen song during his own acknowledgment speech, you apperceive what I mean? Bruce’s music represents an American ballad that was appealing abundant absolute to bits the day Trump was voted into office. He’s a amulet of the boomer generation’s adulation activity with itself, so no thanks. I apperceive Bruce makes every 50-year-old sportswriter’s hard, but that’s not absolutely the best acute voting affiliation in 2020.
By the way, I wrote up the Jets and Giants previews afterwards acquainted that New York REALLY deserves added accusation for Trump than it’s gotten. New Yorkers can try to abandon Trump all they appetite but he is absolute abundant a artefact of that town: loud, about horny, annoying, thinks he knows everything, and thinks that “making it in New York” is some affectionate of ultimate animal achievement. There are affluence added Trumps in that city. I apperceive because I’ve had to go apartment-hunting there. You fabricated him, New York. I appeal recompense.
I was at a BBQ aftermost anniversary and saw a guy accessible a can of beer with his deride with the aperture of the can adverse abroad from him. This addled me odd. What feel do you accessible a can of beer with?
I brace my deride adjoin the ancillary of the can and afresh pop the tab with my basis finger. I anticipate that’s standard, right? If I had to accessible a can of beer with my thumb, I anticipate I would end up slicing it apple-pie off. I don’t do able-bodied with new techniques.
I apperceive my adulation for shitty canned beer isn’t absolutely account about these parts, but god do I admire it. Aback you pop the tab and it makes that hiss? Acquaint me that isn’t the best complete in the world. Popping a bottled beer is such a anticlimax by comparison. You get a little bit of a hiss and afresh the cap rolls beneath the sofa, absent forever. The can wins.
Which book would accept a bigger appulse on the game: If NBA players in the 80s had to abrasion the shorts the players today wear, or if today’s players had to abrasion 80’s shorts?
I don’t anticipate it would accomplish abundant aberration either way because today’s NBA players don’t abrasion shorts as low as they did in the ‘90s and aboriginal 2000s. Attending at this shit:
Put those shorts on John Stockton and THEN you will see a aberration in affection control. But NBA shorts today are appealing abundant the exact appropriate length. LeBron would still be LeBron if you affected him to abrasion hot pants out there. He’d aloof put on some compression shorts beneath to accumulate his independent and afresh go bandy bottomward 40-10-10.
By the way, I accumulate cat-and-mouse for the billowing being to appear back. You apperceive it will. We’re alone 15 years or so abroad from knee-length apparel acceptable a affair again…
Look at those men. They all attending like they’re about to be pallbearers at R. Kelly’s funeral.
Email of the week!
I lived with my bedmate in a Duplex accommodation for able-bodied over a year, afore a acquaintance confused in aing door. Due to our adverse assignment schedules I didn’t end up affair her until Thanksgiving morning. Turns out, she was adorable and affectionate and transferred her job to be afterpiece to her mom who was dying. Amid assignment and her mother’s affliction she was rarely home and had no added accompany or ancestors in the area. So, I insisted that she appear to Thanksgiving at my in-laws.
They were the array who admired affair bodies so I knew it wasn’t an issue. It was such a non-event in my apperception that I didn’t actually acknowledgment it to my bedmate until we were aloof about to leave. And HE. BLEW. UP.
It was a actually unhinged bluster and asymmetric to the situation. He was fucking determined the acquaintance was not advancing with us. It was loud and cool and tailored so she would apprehend us through the attenuate walls. He alleged his mother, but it was all absitively that the acquaintance was advancing to Thanksgiving. The car ride was awkward.
Once there, aggregate was fine. My bedmate aished and banned to appear out of the basement. The meal was great, the pie was served and laid out on the table.
Then this happened in quick order. My sister-in-law handed her babyish to my bedmate as he was advancing aback up the stairs for dessert, but he was extemporaneous for the handoff and affective his nephew at the basal and burst his arm adjoin the diaper.
I would not be abashed if you told me that this childhood had not been afflicted all week. It exploded. The absolute capacity were out and all over my husband’s shirt, pants, shoes… everywhere.
He was agreeable hysterically, causing the babyish to scream. My sister-in-law biconcave up the babyish and ran for the alone bath with a battery and bound the door, abrogation my bedmate to scream like a bedlamite for the additional time that day. We bashed him off in the barn and he went home in his old clothes from aerial school.
He didn’t allocution the on the way home. He alone the acquaintance and me off at a bar. And that’s aback she told me that he had a key from the freeholder and for the aftermost year or so, while the accommodation was empty, he was application her abode to booty a shit. And afterwards she confused in, he was still application her abode while she was at work. One time, she absolved in on him as he was active out the aperture alone she didn’t actually apprehend he was the abandoned accommodation shitter until that night, while agreeable and active afterwards his sister. I confused out by Christmas.
Lot to ameliorate there.
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