Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here.
Justin Schmidt is a acclaimed entomologist who, in a adventure to apprentice added about bugs (WHY), has subjected himself to bites and stings from 83 altered breed and rated them on a Affliction Calibration of 1 to 4, with 1 actuality a bald nuisance and 4 actuality the fires of Hell. The affliction bite he says he anytime accomplished came from the tarantula hawk, an insect ample abundant to backpack your babyish abroad in the asleep of night…
His aboveboard admonition for bodies stung by a tarantula militarist is to lie bottomward and scream.
Schmidt is subjecting himself to this camp anatomy of ache in the name of science. You can apprentice a lot about animals from the way they avert themselves, obviously. But Schmidt is additionally accomplishing this to apprentice added about himself as well. Affliction is a amusement for him, and one that makes him a bit of a … character, to use the gentlest phrasing. Pain, he argues, is article account experiencing. It is NECESSARY. It’s an constant moment that shapes your outlook, abundant in the aforementioned way as traveling to a new country, or cat-and-mouse in some fucking bandage and constant a no-cash action to eat at some fabulous pizza joint. For Schmidt, whether or not the moment is agreeable (clearly, actuality apathetic by a tarantula militarist is not) is beside the point. What affairs is that the bite is a memory, and that anamnesis is a apparatus for him to draw on afterwards in life. It’s his own rite of passage.
In fact, Schmidt is so amorous of affliction that, in this New York Times profile, he aboveboard muses about subjecting his sons to a South American affiliated ritual in which adolescent men are affected to abrasion a acclaim abounding of ammo all-overs (ANT MITT) and get stung repeatedly…
He told me about the Sateré-Mawé bodies in northwestern Brazil, who authority a commemoration in which adolescent men blooper their easily into ample mitts abounding with ammo ants, whose stings are so disturbing they can account acting paralysis; aback initiates canyon the test, they’re one footfall afterpiece to acceptable abounding associates of society… He has two boyish boys, and, on this accurate morning at least, I begin him apprehensive whether they ability account from a affliction ritual to advice acquaint them to adulthood. “I mean, it wouldn’t annihilate them,” Schmidt said. “And I anticipate that may be the key to the accomplished thing: It can’t annihilate you and yet article actual absolute is happening.”
Schmidt never absolutely subjected his kids to the ant mitt. But what would you anticipate if he had? If you’re a reactionary online take-haver like me, you ability instantly alarm him a crazy and allege him of adolescent abuse. Or conceivably you’d address the man because he drew afflatus from an anthropological, absolutely PC-approved antecedent for his little ritual, and afresh acclaim yourself for seeing Schmidt in a added nuanced light. Either way, Schmidt would be accurate appropriate about one thing: Those kids wouldn’t balloon that shit. Ever.
My oldest son bankrupt his collarbone this summer. He was at a altogether affair at an calm soccer area aback he tripped and fell, active his accept into the accommodation and snapping his clavicle in half. I didn’t see this happen. I was over by the bite bar, staring at my phone, actuality a abominable animal being. One of the added parents helped him off the acreage and brought him to me. He was agreeable authentic afterlife and in abhorrent pain, with his accept blind low, like he was extensive bottomward for article afterwards accepting to ability at all.
So I collection him to the hospital and they X-rayed him. It was a apple-pie break… like seeing two addle pieces cat-and-mouse to be conjoined. The doctor explained that, aback the pieces of cartilage were in the “same room,” my son wouldn’t charge the Tony Romo surgery. All he had to do was abrasion a bung for a few weeks, get some rest, and the cartilage would alleviate itself. I was adequate by this and approved to animate my son with the acceptable news.
ME: You don’t charge surgery! That’s great!
HIM: Can I still comedy soccer?
ME: Nah, no soccer for a while.
I said the words afterwards absolutely cerebration about their abeyant impact. I should accept been added thoughtful. Added measured. Because aback I told the boy that bit of news, the activity drained from his face. He absolutely admired arena soccer. He got to run around. He got to comedy in games. He got to be with his friends. He got to be HIM. So audition me nonchalantly booty that abroad from him was, in some ways, alike worse than the concrete affliction that he had aloof endured.
I took him home that night and he slept sitting up, because lying bottomward was such agony.
He sat about for a ages and a bisected afterwards that, watching too abundant TV and award any alibi to booty off his sling. (NOTE: slings suck; a casting more, but a bung still plenty.) At one point, he anticipation he was accepting the bung off for good, but afresh the doc said he had two added weeks to go, and afresh the activity drained from him.
But aback the cartilage assuredly healed… aback he assuredly got that sweat-stained bung off and got to comedy soccer afresh with his friends… oh, oh you should accept apparent that kid’s face. His cleats about affected the arena at the aboriginal practice. He was aglow the accomplished time, and I apperceive that the moment meant aloof that abundant added because sports had, for a rather abrupt period, been taken abroad from him. The affliction had accomplished him something. The affliction was useful.
I about-face 40 this week. Like any acceptable American, I will use the break as an alibi to alcohol myself brainless and try to avoid the actuality that I apparently accept added canicule abaft me than advanced of me. (My kid tallied the cardinal of canicule I accept lived on her calculator for me afterwards asking… it was a actual accommodating action on her part.)
But I’m additionally application the break to conduct a arrogant exercise in attractive aback at how I got to area I am. I accept had affliction in these 40 years. Apparently a abundant accord beneath affliction than abounding people, but still. There’s some hurt. I accept had my affection broken. I accept accomplished crippling aback injuries. I accept absent all four grandparents. I accept absent jobs. I accept had to accord with alone bloom allowance claims. I accept apparent my youngest son, at nine canicule old, go into an operating allowance with a actual absolute adventitious of never advancing out. My assurance exploded. I accept had a camera up my . One time, aback I was three, a pond drillmaster captivated my arch underwater to get me “used” to it. I about drowned.
Oh, and I played football for a while. That was painful. I got my fingers mashed. I got cleats in my foot. I had anguish afterwards two-a-days that larboard me and the blow of the aggregation clumsy to ascend a flight of stairs. I got my ass kicked by a academy assistant in a bashed disagreement, with added kids watching. One time, during a drill, I bargain my arch (didn’t beggarly to) and collided with a affairs guard, blacking out for a moment.
And I apperceive that I would not be area I am afterwards any of the affliction I’ve endured. I apperceive that, if I had gone through activity afterwards annihilation in the way of suffering, I would be beneath of a person. That includes my time arena football, a action that prides itself on actuality the ideal rite of access for young, affectable men. In hindsight, I apparently wouldn’t comedy football again. In 2016, a lot of bodies are advancing to the cessation that the abiding amercement of the action aren’t account the acquaint and adventures it may admit … that absolution a adolescent adolescent comedy football is an act of affectionate malfeasance.
But at 40, that’s all too backward for me now, isn’t it? It’s too backward to disengage all the agitated aspirations that attenuated my boyish mind. I bethink actuality fatigued to abandon aback then. I bethink cerebration of it as a analysis … a adventitious to prove my manhood, whatever that means. I bethink actuality the affectionate of guy who watched Abounding Metal Jacket and anticipation THAT’S AWESOME instead of actuality appropriately horrified. I bethink not compassionate the after-effects of affliction until experiencing it firsthand.
Two years ago, Whiplash was nominated for Best Picture. J.K. Simmons won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for arena Terence Fletcher, the Bob Knight of applesauce bandage instructors. This is the money speech:
I assure you that there were a abundant abounding Americans who acclaimed Terence Fletcher in this scene. For Fletcher, the alone way to draw abundance from addition is to advance them and advance them and advance them to the point of pain…to the point of cerebral torture: a brainy Ant Mitt. It NEVER occurs to Fletcher that bodies can be relentlessly self-motivated, that you don’t necessarily charge addition agreeable at you to be a abundant to appetite abundance for yourself. The abstraction is absurd to him. And it’s apparently absurd to a lot of added bodies as well.
I anticipate about that arena a lot, in allotment because some bodies DO charge to be pushed. I apperceive I did. Not anybody is an aggressive self-starter. Not anybody is determined. Not anybody seeks out adversity. Or, if they do, they don’t accept the purest of motives in apperception (I played football because I capital girls to like me; I failed). And so I anticipate about my poor son breaking his bone, and I anticipate about the kids in Florida I saw accepting about afraid out in adolescent MMA matches, and I anticipate about the bandage you draw aback it comes to your accouchement and pain. I apperceive my son abstruse article admired from his injury, but I additionally apperceive I never anytime anytime appetite him to accept to acquaintance article agnate again. It was a rite of access for him, but one he stumbled beyond on his own. Like, if I put acclaim abounding of all-overs on my kid, that would be fucked up. But if he capital to go exploring in the dupe one day and fell into that ant mitt? CRUCIAL GROWTH.
At 40, I now apperceive that the rites of access I’ve accomplished accept been acquiescently accustomed occurrences. No one abused me (except for that nutjob bathe coach). Apart for an old aerial academy acquaintance who already fabricated me accept to a Frank Zappa album, no one advisedly inflicted affliction and affliction aloft me. I appetite my kids to additionally accept moments of adversity, area they abound and they apprentice because of article awful. But I can’t PLAN those moments. I can’t whip them with a annex and anticipate that’ll be aloof what they needed.
But what if I’m too soft? Because I’ve apparent the Chet Hazes of the apple out there. I’ve apparent the alarming end aftereffect of bodies who are coddled and comfortable through their determinative years. Conceivably I’m one of them. Conceivably I’ve abundantly abstract my own adventures with affliction and accept no appropriate to allege about any of this. Maybe I’m soft.
So I’m apparently gonna accept to absorb best of my 40s walking that accomplished bandage all parents walk, allegorical my accouchement through the apple but NEVER ambuscade them from it, absolution them get aching but never affliction them. Maybe they’ll appetite to comedy aerial academy football (my parents were never all that crazy about me arena the action but I was adamant), or maybe they’ll appetite to ascend boulders, or maybe they’ll appetite to do article abroad that puts them at absolute risk. I gotta amount out aback captivation them aback is the appropriate affair to do, or if I should anytime authority them aback at all. And I gotta amount out aback to advance them afterwards accusation them over the edge. I gotta let them acquisition their own rites of passage, acquisition the moments of affliction that advice them plan for the NEXT time they get hurt. Afresh I’m gonna cantankerous my fingers and achievement they appear out of all that about unscathed.
And honestly, I don’t apperceive if I’m gonna get this right. Because I’m alone 40. Activity has added affliction in abundance for me. It’s affliction that I don’t want, but it’s additionally affliction that will advise me a lot of bits I apperceive I don’t know. I achievement I’m accessible for it.
All amateur in the Jamboroo are evaluated for arduous watchability on a calibration of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Falcons at Broncos: I can’t acquaint if the Falcons are acceptable or if their analysis is aloof that shitty. It’s apparently the latter. We should aloof aition both of the Southern capacity from the NFL. The Sun Belt is for auto antagonism and academy sports. All of its able teams should be liquidated, with a allocation of the gain activity to me for proposing the idea.
Bengals at Cowboys: Every time you see a continued bomb completed during a game, the anchorperson says it was a bifold move that freed up the wideout. If I were a coach, I would accomplish the accomplished breach out of bifold moves. Who’s gonna stop me? And what if I accept my guy do a TRIPLE move, huh? I bet the cornerback would backfire in a billow of claret if I drew that up.
Skins at Ravens: You apperceive how you can acknowledgment a acreage ambition if it acreage short? I anticipate you should additionally be able to do it if it hits the upright. Like, if it DOINKS off the batten and acreage at the 10, you’re chargeless to aces it up and attack a kick-six from there. Football is bigger with added kick-sixes.
Patriots at Browns: At some point in this game, Tom Brady will get all formed up in the amusement and alpha babble or throwing a Surface tablet, and the anchorperson is gonna cry out, “YOU THINK THIS GUY ISN’T FIRED UP TO BE BACK?!” I’m affronted already. Accessory at Edelman alleviative Brady’s acknowledgment like Mandela aloof got out of prison…
By the way, you apperceive how the new touchback aphorism has accountable teams like New England to do squib kicks, consistent in MORE kickoffs actuality alternate instead of less? I bet that’s what the Ginger Hammer planned all along. Who abroad would convention a aphorism that apparently makes the d “safer” while absolutely authoritative it added agitated and abominable the amaranthine bloodlust of admirers like me? The man is a blockheaded genius, I acquaint you.
Giants at Packers: You can alone banquet out on that t for so long, OBJ. My man hasn’t denticulate a TD all analysis and he’s hewing actual aing to the accepted high-maintenance wideout career trajectory, which is…
Stop authoritative me accessory bad, Odell. Get your bits together.
Bills at Rams: My wife does part-time assignment at a bounded nursery academy and, as allotment of the hiring action for preschool, alike freelancers accept to be fingerprinted. That way, no academy hires a actor by accident. Anyway, my wife got her prints taken and afresh the lab mailed her back, adage the prints were too aside to appearance up on the scan. I IMMEDIATELY told her to become a consecutive analgesic or a coffer robber, because her prints are undetectable. She agreed. So if your coffer gets beggared OR a cord or boorish drivers are begin atrociously murdered, acceptable luck award the culprit. MY OLD LADY WILL BE SITTING ON A BEACH EARNING TWENTY PERCENT MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Chargers at Raiders: Earlier this analysis I said the Chargers weren’t the chokingest aggregation in football, based on a actual basal blueprint of absolute 17-point leads. Thankfully, the bodies at FiveThirtyEight, an assessment armpit about politics, did a abundant added all-embracing abstraction that proves the Chargers fuck up backward leads bigger than anyone else. And you apperceive what? I’m blessed to be wrong. The Chargers deserve to be bits on always for their abridgement of clutchitude.
Texans at Vikings
Eagles at Lions
Jets at Steelers: I accept a hot take. Are you for the hot take? Okay, accompany me in a private, soundproof allowance and I will allotment the hot booty with you. Are you here? Okay.
Joakim Noah should accept gone to that West Point dinner. There. I said it. Don’t acquaint the added CYBERMARXISTS on the Deadspin staff. Wars won’t end because aloof Noah angry bottomward the craven a la king. Besides, if you’re adjoin wars, don’t you anticipate it would be advantageous to sit bottomward and accomplish your case to the actual bodies who ability end up one day acclimation them? Go to the dinner, man. It’s not the better imposition.
Cardinals at Niners
Bears at Colts
Bucs at Panthers
Titans at Dolphins: I’m a big fan of the “Last 10 attempts” clear on CBS games, if alone because it makes quarterbacking accessory like a d of Ancestors Feud. Ryan Tannehill’s 10-pass clear looks like the aftereffect of some Mormon ancestors accepting a analysis befuddled at them.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Appetite To Run Through A God Brick Wall
“Elektra,” by Refused! From Scott:
Crank it up. This one makes me appetite to head anybody in the allowance (in a acceptable way)
Amen, amigo. Bonus credibility for the video up above, which appearance lots of twirling shapes and stuff. This bandage knows absolutely how benumbed you are aback you accept to them. I could get benumbed and accessory at kaleidoscope action for a solid eight hours.
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
There’s annihilation WARM about Toronto Sun columnist Joe Warmington, who has a ablaze bulletin for any scoundrel who dares beef a civic anthem, alike one as bruised as Canada’s!
Imagine how advantageous we are to alive in abundant nations area bodies are paid to comedy a d while others get to cheer, boo, accept a alarm and choke a beer!
Damn right! Joe, I’m with you. I’m always beholden to alive in a abode area I can cheer, and boo, and blemish myself, and belch, and abuse the brace abaft me for not acclaim audibly enough, and alcohol until I bandy up. That’s my little allotment of heaven.
This acknowledgment to claret agitated by adventurous Canadians and Americans in uniform.
Okay buddy, sure. But appear on now, it was MOSTLY American blood. What did you guys do, appearance up with a few Mounties? Bandy a beer can? OOOOH I’M SURE OSAMA WAS QUAKIN’ IN HIS BOOTS WHEN HE FOUND OUT CANADA WAS AFTER HIM. Not the Canadians! They’ll bandy maple abstract bottles at us!
All we accept to do at Tuesday’s wild-card d amid the Blue Jays and Baltimore Orioles is appearance acknowledgment by continuing for our civic anthems.
Really? That’s all we accept to do? You anticipate that’s the end of it, eh? “Folks, all we accept to do is angle for the anthem, and afresh the troops will exhausted agitation for us. EASY PEASY.”
Anything beneath is spitting in the face of abundant chargeless countries that abound with opportunity. But to kneel, accession a fist, or lock accoutrements (as the Toronto Raptors did over the weekend) is disgraceful.
Reader Alex addendum that Joe was a big Rob Ford supporter. FANCY THAT.
Curt Schilling’s Facebook Lock Of The Week: Giants ( 7)
Schilling 2016 record: 2-2
Fantasy Amateur Who Deserves To Die A Slow, Aching Death
What the fuck, Todd Gurley? I didn’t abstract you NOT to score, you son of a bitch. You and Odell owe me. You owe AMERICA. I’m gonna accelerate you an balance of $50,000 for every bits d you have. My accountant can assignment out the legalities of such matters.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there annihilation added agitative than a drillmaster accident his job? All year long, we’ll accumulate clue of which coaches will about absolutely get accursed at year’s end or sooner. And now, your abeyant 2016 chopping block:
(*-potential midseason firing)
At this point, I anticipate America is accessible to barrage a absolutely accommodating accomplishment to adios Pagano and Ryan Grigson and save Andrew Luck. I won’t blow until poor Luck has a drillmaster who will run the god brawl on fourth and 1.
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Edward sends in this adventure I alarm THE MONEY POOP:
I’m 39, married, 2 kids, able job etc etc, and aftermost weekend I shat myself in advanced of my family. I’ve been defective to acquaint someone.
We accept aloof confused from New Jersey to Massachusetts, and this accomplished Saturday we were accomplishing some abode hunting. The kids had sports in the morning, I did my apprenticeship duties, we afresh all had cafeteria (including a shrimp bloom that shall never be forgiven or forgotten), and afresh it was off to analysis in on some accessible houses. All was ok at the aboriginal house, no assurance of annihilation untoward, but afresh en avenue to the additional house, I acquainted the aboriginal rumble. My wife was driving, I was navigating, and absolutely we could biking 5 account to the aing accessible abode area I would analysis the plumbing.
The additional boom came ominously anon afterwards the first, I was starting to diaphoresis like crazy, but fatally, I did not ask my wife to stop the car appropriate then. Instead, we collection on to the aing accessible house, and afore my wife had alike appropriately anchored off the ancillary of the road, I bankrupt the account that I had to go appropriate fucking then. I’d see afresh central the accessible house. I jumped out the car, and hurdled into this blend of besom and thorns which was aloof about able-bodied abundant blocked from the road. The hurdling about had started to agitate the amount from my ass, and by the time I could bead my shorts, a acceptable bandage of carrion had already acclimatized in my boxers.
I proceeded to aerosol an automated abundance of baneful slurry all over the ground; the accident was immense and the acumen thereafter a nightmare. I aboriginal had to aish my boxers afterwards decrepit bits all over my legs. I’m giving myself no added than 4/10 for that allotment of the operation. There was bits everywhere – over my legs, socks, shoes, basically everywhere I looked. The boxers got pitched added into the brush, and I started abrading the balance bits off my legs with sticks and leaves. Given the accessible equipment, I deserve a solid B for this allotment of the project.
I had to accomplish do with acutely compromised brace of shorts, but on they went and I emerged from the besom to seamlessly move on to analytical the alfresco of the accessible house. I took my time, authoritative it accessory absolute – and praying no-one would appear anywhere a me. My address in this appearance of the claiming gets me at atomic an A.
The ancestors eventually emerged from central the house, and I directed them to see me at the car. The kids anon noticed a awe-inspiring aroma – how abundant they ample out, I don’t absolutely apperceive – and my wife recoiled at the anticipation of active me to our accommodation in her car. She had no best though, we put some reusable arcade backs on the bench for me to sit on, anguish the windows down, and headed home afterwards adage addition word. I took a actual continued shower, and afresh started fielding some acid questions from my 8 year-old babe mainly. I had no acceptable answers for annihilation that had transpired. I still don’t. Honesty isn’t a agent here.
Acquaint her! She’ll die laughing. I think. She apparently won’t laugh. She’ll apparently be horrified.
Gametime Bite Of The Week
A big fucking novelty-size snickers bar. From Chris:
My bang-up brought this behemothic Snickers bar in to assignment this morning. It is, in my mind, one of the best alarming things I accept anytime apparent and bistro slices of it feels at atomic 3x as corrupt as a regular, chichi admeasurement Snickers bar. Please see the absorbed account and despair. I apologize for not accepting a attempt aback it was uncut, but we were too abuse aflame at that point.
I can’t accusation you. Looks like a cake!
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Pabst Blue Ribbon bottles! Did you apperceive PBR came in awakening bottles? SO CLASSY. I was at a bar the added night that served these, and they additionally had a alive bandage (GUHHHHHHHHHHHHH). So I’m sitting there with a brace of friends, bubbler my shit, aback this angular old dude cutting a atramentous MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN bodice waltzes in advanced of the bandage and starts dancing by himself. He was absolutely into it too, like he was accessory Jazzfest and shit. He was absolute joyous. And anybody at the bar was aloof attractive at him, because it’s awe-inspiring to see addition in a MAGA shirt who isn’t authoritative feel accoutrements at a protestor. I didn’t apperceive whether to be comforted or terrified. Maybe he got in aboriginal on cutting them ironically.
Jim Tomsula’s Lifehack Of The Week!
“They architecture those bi-weekly bins at the alternation base so that you can’t stick your duke in. It’s that angular aperture thingie. But that’s annihilation you can’t assignment about with a stick, a allotment of string, and some acclimated gum. That’s acceptable solid rod for cardboard fishing. And already you get those papers, you’re in business. You got blaze AND apartment AND the adult listings all in one.”
Sunday Afternoon Cine Of The Anniversary For Browns Fans
Other People’s Money. Average movie. GREAT speech.
Gratuitous Miller’s Crossing Quote
“They shoot your horse?”
“If there’s any justice.”
Enjoy the games, everyone.
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